My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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