I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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