If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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