Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
