Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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