He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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