when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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