Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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