Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
