you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
