You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
