While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize