can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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