booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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