I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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