she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
