What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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