I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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