You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
