It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
