I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
