I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
