you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize