my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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