I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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