You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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