I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
