It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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