I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
