So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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