im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
