Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
