your parents love me but you hate me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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