i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
