Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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