my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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