I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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