When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
