i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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