Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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