using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize