I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
