Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
