Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
