You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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