I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
