Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The power of my boobs compel you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
