FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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