My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
