Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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