Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
