My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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