finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
