Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
