Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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