I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
