Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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