two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
