he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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