No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
