its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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