i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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