Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
