Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
