whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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